


The fuck?!

by Clyptonite



Category: Carry On- Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Agatha finds out, M/M, SnowBaz, Some Fluff, Some angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-01 05:18:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10915110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clyptonite/pseuds/Clyptonite
Summary: "What the holy fuck?!"Or: Agatha finds out about Snowbaz (petition to call it "Snaz" or, with Penny, "Snazzy.") and is 100% shocked.





	1. Chapter 1

__Simon__

Agatha's coming. She's coming and I don't know what to do. I've done nothing but clean the flat for the last 3 days, despite Penny telling me repeatedly to, "chill the fuck out." I can't "chill out"!!!! I have to impress her! I have to show her I'm a responsible adult!! THIS. FLAT. WILL. BE. CLEAN. 

__Baz__

Welbelove is coming to visit from California for the first time and Snow is obsessing about it. He's cleaning as though the Queen is expected. Nothing is left untouched. Toothbrushes bleached, the silverware holder scrubbed, all of the light fixtures dusted, every piece of laundry and the linen closet folded and organized. He's scrubbed the doors and handles with Mr. Clean Magic Erasers and is currently taking everything out of the refrigerator, wiping it all off, and throwing away the older foods. 

All of it needed to be done, of course, but Bunce and I couldn't get him to do it until we told him that the Welbelove girl was coming. And now, of course, it's all he can think about. 

I'm terrified. Bunce has shown me pictures of Agatha and she looks better than she ever has. The California sun has given her an absolutely stunning tan that sets off her blonde hair and blue eyes in a princess-like way. What if Snow sees her and realizes he prefers her? I could lose him. I have to make sure Welbelove knows that he's mine. Only mine. For the rest of time, for the rest of his life (which will be short, if he doesn't stop cleaning; Bunce is at her wit's end with him). 

I'll do anything to keep her from stealing him from me. Absolutely anything.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PRePeRaTioNS!!!!

__Baz__

"Snow." I put my (MMM) metacarpals on his shoulder. He's just finished mopping (literally mopping) all of the floors and is now pulling out pots to make dinner.

"Snow, love. You're not making dinner. We already decided we were getting fresh fish and chips from the shop down the street, remember? Welbelove's been in America, she hasn't had good fish 'n chips since she left." 

He turns to look at me. "Did we decide that?" 

The imbecile has the most innocent look on his face. 

"Yes love," I roll my eyes mightily. "We did. And Bunce will be back within the hour with Welbelove; so go shower and get changed into something nicer than... whatever the fuck it is you're wearing... is that Penny's shirt? It doesn't matter. Go clean yourself up while I order dinner."

He smiles at me and pecks my lips. How did I get this? How in Hell did I get to see him flustered and messy and giving me little kisses for no real reason? This was never supposed to be my life. Sometimes I think Simon traded his magic and the universe balanced that injustice by giving me what I've wanted for so long. What I wanted until I thought it would kill me. 

I wish I knew why he deemed me worthy of his affections. I wish I knew what happened in his head. 

__Simon__ 

AGATHA. COMING. CLEAN. MY OWN SHIRT. WHAT DO I DO. BAZ. OH MY GOD. ONE HOUR.


	3. Chapter 3

__Simon__

I shower, change into a clean outfit (it's Baz's. Mine aren't posh enough.) and get Baz to spell my hair tidy all before Pen gets back with Agatha. 

I'm terrified. I haven't seen Agatha since everything happened with the Mage and the Humdrum. I feel like I did when Baz pushed me down the stairs. (Okay so technically I tripped.) While I was still falling. The feeling in my chest of being airborne. The inability to breathe properly. The way it hurts to talk and I feel hot. I know what it is. Anxiety. Apparently it's common for fallen super villains. "Trauma victim" as my therapist would call me.

Baz has just called in our order for dinner when Penny and Agatha walk in. I'm standing in the kitchen and Baz is in the doorway to my, (our, really,) bedroom. 

"Simon!" Agatha says cheerily. "It's great to see you." 

She walks over and I try to shake her hand while she goes to hug me. It's awkward, to say the least. 

"How are you?" I ask. 

"I'm good. The flight was fine, all that." She says. I don't know how she manages to look so pretty while obviously feeling incredibly awkward. The last time we spoke was at Baz's house. Speaking of Baz. 

He walks over coolly. Saunters over, really. "Agatha. Excellent to see you. It's been too long." He shakes her hand. 

She must not have known he was going to be here because the look on her face is one of total surprise. "Basilton! I didn't realize you were going to be here." She looks over at Penny, who just shurgs. 

"Yes, well. I spend a fair amount of time with Snow and Bunce." Baz replies. If I didn't know better, I'd think he was angry. But there's no reason for him to be angry. It's just Agatha. 

Then it hits me. It's AGATHA. As in, my ex-girlfriend Agatha. As in Baz-is-probably-jealous-because-he's-Baz, Agatha. This is going to be absolutely lovely.


	4. Chapter 4

__Agatha__

I finally figured it out. Why I didn't want to date Simon. Why I loved him but wasn't in love with him. I don't want sex. I have a Normal friend in California who says it's called being asexual so that's the term I use. 

Everything in Cali is so perfect for me. Sunshine and tacos and cute boys and uni. When Penny said that I should visit, I just did. I didn't think, I just booked the flight. I brought along Lucy and the picture of her namesake with me. I think I'll give it to Simon while I'm here. Maybe not. 

•••

Stepping into Simon and Penny's flat is horrible. It smells like both of them at the same time and something else I can't quite place. Something posh. 

Of course the second I see Basilton I realize what the smell was. Cedar and bergmont. His signature scent. I'm confused as to why he's here; it doesn't make sense.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuck it, guys; here we go!

__Agatha__

A delivery boy comes within a few minutes of my being in the flat. Simon must remember that I love fish 'n chips with spicy flavouring on top because only one of the boxes has any and no one else takes it. 

We sit on the couches, Penny and I on one, Simon and Baz on the other.

"Have you seen Moana?" Penny asks me. "We rented it last week and we really liked it. I'm thinking there could be a few spells to come out of it. Like the 'shiny' song..." she continues rambling on about it and other Disney films and I'm listening and replying and making conversation but both of us know I don't use magic anymore. At all. Ever. 

Simon and Baz are /right/ next to eachother on the couch and I can't understand why. Maybe they've become friends but even Penny and I never sat that close. 

Basil has joined the conversation about Disney-based spells and he's bringing up several valid points about the lack of good spells from older films due to the lack of viewers but I can't focus because Simon just put down his plate and LEANED INTO BAZ'S SHOULDER. Basil doesn't even look shocked he just puts his arm around Simon's shoulders and keeps talking and I don't understand what's going on and I'm pretty sure there must be some kind of vampire-induced trance on both Simon and Penny because neither of them think this is weird or creepy or just really... gay. 

But Simon isn't gay. And neither is Baz, for that matter. Both of them fought for rights to me. Not that they have any; fuck both of them for thinking I was some kind of prize to be won if they tried hard enough. But Basilton has finished speaking and Penny is animatedly replying. I don't understand how this happened. When did we become friends with Basilton Pitch of all people? And when did I start referring to us as a "we" again?? 

Simon stands, says he's going to do the dishes, and leans down, kissing Baz on the top of his head. I don't understand and I also get up and walk towards the door, grabbing my coat as I do. 

"I- I've got to go. I can't stay I have to go I'm sorry I have to go. I'm going." 

This is disgusting. Not that they're gay, I'm not a homophobe I don't care about that but it's /Simon and Baz/! Arch nemesis! I have to leave.


End file.
